For years, I unconsciously allowed my world to condition me into believing success is only attainable within a chaotic chase. The chase to do more, be more, achieve more. I allowed this chase to assault my ability to be present, find strength in stillness and allow room for empowered choices – choices made from a space of knowing instead of reacting.
This cycle of unconscious reactivity suffocated my ability to choose differently. Within the endless infinity loop of chasing, I’d lost the ability to see whether my decisions and actions were actually serving me. Without this awareness, I was stuck in a loop of mostly repeating what I’d done before – the familiar past.
This endless chase and cycle of needing more left me feeling overwhelmed, unfulfilled (despite many accomplishments) and beyond burnt out. I would collapse in my bed for days and sometimes weeks at a time, trapped in a fog that I can only describe as heavy and fearful. Often anxious and panicked, feeling unmotivated and frustrated, I was unable to explain how I even ended up in this space. To cope, I’d find ways of numbing the painful thoughts of ‘not enough’ and ‘less than’.
In those formative years of not understanding, I slowly began to see my pattern. I wasn’t affording myself any room for grace, love or compassion within this people-pleasing, perfection-seeking cycle. I didn’t have the understanding to see that slowing down was actually much more powerful than the endless and destructive chase for more.
Noticing that my collapses – spending days and weeks in bed, exhausted from endless spirals of chasing (literally as useless as a dog trying to catch its tail) – weren’t serving me, I chose to try on compassion. Compassion for myself. I have endless love and compassion for others. That flows out of me like sap from a well-tapped maple tree. But for myself? Forget it. ‘Never enough’ could be my middle name. It’s what fuels the chase for more.
What I quickly learned, and what inspired my decision to try on self-compassion (also known as self-love), was the realization that compassion for self builds resiliency in the face of adversity.
It seems I will continue my pattern of being busy. It’s not as strong, but it’s still there. And I will continue to stumble as I navigate this human experience. My new realization has not left me immune to suffering and needing to stay in bed some days. However, I am now much more aware of the tools available to me when I’m in the space of suffering. Self-compassion being one of those tools.
As I find myself picking up speed in my chase, I tell myself:
Slow down. Do something you love. Take rest.
Pause long enough to listen. What do I need?
As I find myself in the space of suffering, I gently remind myself:
Suffering is a part of life.
Be kind to yourself in this space of momentary suffering.
If you chase like me, can you have courage to slow down? It’s a practice of awareness. In this space of choosing to see, can you choose to love yourself?
What’s something that brings you an immense amount of joy? Do that and fill your resiliency cup so you may meet adversity as you know you are capable of meeting it.
In the space of suffering, can you acknowledge that this suffering belongs to you. It’s part of your human experience. Pause long enough to see it with compassion and be kind to yourself as you begin to explore it in order to grow from it.
Joyful exercise: Write down a descriptive list of 20 things that bring you joy (this practice itself will bring a smile to your face) and commit to doing one of those things for 20-40 mins a day.
Mindful moment: Enjoy this guided meditation when you feel rushed or overwhelmed by your own chase for more. Connect back in and see what you need with love and with compassion.
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