Ask anyone who knows me what I’m like, and they’ll tell you that I am (almost always) overflowing with optimism. I have this unrelenting belief that we can achieve whatever our hearts desire. I trust that if it’s within us to dream, it’s within us to achieve. I’m sure this perspective can feel annoying and even nauseating to others, and I have also seen how empowering it can be.
Today I don’t feel even an ounce of that optimism. I feel deflated and defeated.
I have always dreamed about writing a memoir regarding my journey with anxiety, yet I never felt ready to begin until last year. I created a comprehensive book proposal and started aligning myself with people who could support me on this intimidating journey.
I have limited writing experience, so I hired a writing coach immediately. Unfortunately, after a few months together, we have not been able to gain the progress I was hoping for, and today, we decided to part ways. She confessed to not having the time to support me as much as I needed and gave me a list of coaches who could help me.
We ended the call, and I immediately felt my lower lip quiver and my eyes swell with tears. I knew it was the right decision in my heart, yet I was surprised by how alone and utterly defeated I felt. I got my journal and began writing as I always do when seeking clarity or feeling big emotions.
What are the facts on the situation I’ve just experienced:
I want to write a book.
This coach is too busy.
I need someone else to support me.
What is the meaning I’m putting on these facts:
My story isn’t worthy of publication.
She has time, I’m just a terrible writer, and no one can help me.
I’m a failure and should not write anymore.
I’m not good enough to have a dream this big.
I need to give up this book. It’s time to quit.
Who am I to think I have anything worthy of being an author?
As I wrote these cringe-worthy thoughts (the meaning), I could feel the unworthiness seep into my bones, and I didn’t like how it felt in my body. I stayed with the feeling, and I kept writing. Only this time, I felt a little more empowered and wrote how I wanted to feel.
What is really happening?
I am creating this meaning.
I can see that it’s not serving me.
I am allowing myself to feel discouraged.
I can choose to stay here or shift.
I am responsible for feeling defeated.
I can decide to empower myself with new options.
Choosing to see the facts in my story and not enroll myself in the drama of the meaning helps me align with empowered next steps instead of drowning in discouragement. It helps me rise out of a victim mindset and choose actions that empower my journey instead of running from it.
Despite my optimism returning, I still feel tender and vulnerable writing this book. And isn’t that exactly where I need to be? When I teach a SAOR class, I always ask people to get uncomfortable. I remind them that’s where the growth exists. So here I am, very uncomfortable, still writing and interviewing for new book coaches.
What meaning are you putting in your life, and is it serving you? Will you allow yourself to get uncomfortable with me, and together, let’s see what else is possible?
