For most of my life, movement was inspired by performance or a finish line. I played soccer at a provincial and varsity level, therefor I moved my body to perform better at this sport. I participated in marathon and Ironman distance triathlon races, therefor I moved to train for the finish line.
I had never moved my body just for the joy of moving. I did not participate in group classes or go to a gym. I met on a pitch to perform soccer drills or ran, swam, biked etc… What I didn’t realize in those early years of competitive sport and chasing finish lines, was that movement was helping me manage my anxiety. I didn’t understand the correlation between movement and mental health right away. I just understood that I felt better (more myself) when I was moving my body regularly. No one told me exercise was more powerful than an antidepressant, however I could feel a shift in my body. I felt better when I was moving.
I first experienced group fitness and the power of movement (simply to move) when I started working at Nike. I was leading the Women’s Category which was positioned to help inspire women to move more through the Nike Training App (NTC). We hired the most motivating and inspiring trainers across the globe (Nike Master Trainers) to help create and lead workouts for women that were challenging, motivating and encouraging. They had the power to make you believe you were the strongest human in the room.
I experienced these world class trainers (the best of the best) for myself when we activated training events across North America. One of the highlights of my corporate career was building a studio on a barge on Lake Ontario and hosting over 3,000 women in three days across 75 classes. This experience changed the way I saw movement and the trajectory of my purpose. I saw countless women transform back into powerful beings as they moved and shifted their energy – as they expanded and opened up to a bigger part of themselves that had been hidden.
While working for Nike was life changing in many ways, it was also not what I wanted for my new little family. Over the course of five years, I’d gotten married and had two children. As a new mom with two kids under two, I could no longer maintain the ‘always on’ demands of the organization. While it served me at a different stage in my life and I thrived in the stress of it all, it was beginning to take a toll on me mentally. My anxiety was peaking again, and my tools were not strong enough to keep the dam wall in place. I could feel the cracks widen, the leaks grow and I knew it was only a matter of time before the dam broke and my darkness (debilitating anxiety, depression and panic) came flooding back with an unstoppable force.
I struggled with the decision to leave Nike for 10 sleepless months. I agonized over the decision and whether it was the right one for me. Wasn’t this the dream I’d been pursuing for years? When recruiters called me with other opportunities, I would only speak to them if they had something at Nike available. I wasn’t leaving my role at Nike for another job; I was leaving because I wanted to spend more time with my family. There wasn’t a single, defining moment when I knew it was time to leave. I simply made the difficult decision when I realized how unhappy I was in the space of ‘not knowing’. I gave my notice and began to prepare myself for being a stay-at-home mom.
Two months. That’s how long I lasted after I left Nike, before I panicked and realized I might have made the biggest mistake in my career. I started to rehearse what I would say when I called my former boss and begged for my job back. Wrestling with how terrible my choice had been and a big part of me craving my old life as a corporate powerhouse back.
It was my husband who suggested I should try and find a passion project to focus on. He proposed I wait just a little longer before running back to my old life. A life I had not been happy in either. I revisited that spark I had felt watching the Nike Master trainers lead women into new, more empowering energy through movement and decided to register for some form of movement training. At the time BARRE was picking up in popularity and the mindful intensity of this movement interested me.
Fast forward to my first day at the BARRE training session. It took place downtown over three days, and I was beyond intimidated. I walked into the studio and was greeted by 12 young, athletic dancers. I was 15 years their senior and in a very different stage of life. To say I was humbled in my ability to move my body would be an understatement. Each student seemed like a fresh graduate of some university dance program and I was a 35 year old mother of 2 who was told ballet wasn’t for me at the age of 5 because of my ‘size’. I had to ask what first, second and third position was from the very beginning, and I could feel the looks of disbelief from the other participants, penetrating my innocence as I asked the question.
At the first lunch break I ran across the street to a park and cried into the phone as I explained to my husband what had happened. I was deep outside my comfort zone and it was an intensely uncomfortable space which I didn’t want to stay in for even a moment longer. As I tried to talk myself out of the training, my husband kindly reminded me that I had become a powerful corporate marketing genius and that took time to build as well. He reminded me that yes, I could quit, but he didn’t know me to quit, so I might as well suck it up, swallow my injured pride and get back into the training. That’s exactly what I did. I wiped my tears away, and allowed myself to feel very alone, uncomfortable and very stupid (which of course I was not, but the story ragged on and on in my mind).
This very uncomfortable experience was a turning point for me. I had a million excuses not to finish that training program or start another one, but I did both. I slowly watched as I became more comfortable and knowledgeable in each training I took. I opened myself up and gave myself permission to ‘not know’ the answers and to understand that it’s only in the space of ‘not knowing’ that I will gain access to the growth I’m craving. As human beings it’s our given right to want more, crave more, desire more, expect more. Only I was trapped in my cozy, safe, reliable comfort zone. More doesn’t come from comfortable. More comes from getting uncomfortable. Feeling vulnerable. Not knowing the answer.
This first training program gave me access to discomfort and the reminder that only in the space of discomfort will I grow and access the ‘more’ I want, crave, desire and expect from my human experience.
It’s this lesson that I carry on my mat EVERY time I teach. How can we intentionally engage with the discomfort in our body? Notice the discomfort build and normalize it. Invite the sensation in instead of taking flight. Stay just long enough to create a new ability in our mind. When we show the brain that we have what it takes to stay in the discomfort on our mat, we can start staying a little longer in the discomfort of life. We can practice tools (breath, awareness, pause, ease) to stay in the discomfort long enough to see what awaits us on the other side.
Join us for Teacher Training. You don’t need a reason bigger than I want more.
